Key Concepts
The Heart of Communication
Learning Activities:
Successful Conversations with Parents
Communication Helpers
Listening Well
Giving Feedback
Using "I" Messages
Next Steps: Ideas to Extend Practice

Key Concepts

• Conveying respect is at the heart of all successful communications.
  
  
• Speaking carefully and listening well are both critical to effective communication.
  
  
• Staff can build upon and refine their use of basic communication techniques to make their conversations with parents open and productive.

Background Information

Conversations between and among parents, staff, and children form the heart of communication in the Head Start community. Good conversations help form productive, satisfying relationships.

For conversations to work this way, however, they must convey respect as well as exchange information. In fact, a conversation is sometimes more important for how it creates a climate of mutual respect, than for how it conveys information or meets short-term goals.

Staff members can become more effective in their communication with parents by being aware of the ways that they show respect for parents in their daily conversations. They also can become more effective communicators by becoming skilled in several conversation techniques that are covered in this module. These are:

• Using communication helpers
  
  
• Listening well
  
  
• Giving appropriate feedback
  
  
• Using "I" messages

Like tools on a toolbelt, these communication techniques are tools that a person can "pick up" and use as appropriate in various conversational settings. As with any tools, using these techniques skillfully takes practice. One must learn to recognize the appropriate moment for using each tool, and one must be able to apply them naturally and sincerely.

For some Head Start staff, the techniques covered in this module may be new concepts. For others who have been through communication skills workshops before, the techniques may be quite familiar. This module, however, gives all participants a chance to refine their use of these communication tools in the particular context of their communications with parents.

Successful Conversations with Parents Purpose: In this activity, participants will have an opportunity to review some of the basic elements of successful communications and to practice applying them in a Head Start setting.

Materials
Chart paper, Handout 3, lined paper, pens

Process

Ask the group to share what they know about the basic elements of successful communications. To provide structure for the brainstorming, distribute Handout 3, Elements of Successful Communication. This handout poses four questions:

1. How do we show respect for the other person in a conversation?
   
   
2. How do we help keep a conversation open and moving forward?
   
   
3. What should we avoid doing so that we don’t block the progress of conversation?
   
   
4. What cultural or personal factors do we need to take into account when we are having a conversation with someone?

Provide several minutes for participants to reflect on these questions. Then solicit responses for each question in turn. Write participants’ responses on chart paper, and encourage participants to take notes on their handout.

Depending on the previous communication skills training of the participants, responses may vary. Several possible responses to each question are listed below. If any of these are not raised in the group brainstorming, raise and discuss them yourself.

• How do we show respect for the other person in a conversation?
  
  1. By giving people time to form thoughts, to respond, and to complete their statements.

  2. By focusing on the concern that the other person is expressing.

  3. By letting the other person begin the conversation or do a lot of the talking.

• How do we help keep a conversation open an moving forward?
  
  By using:
  
  1. Door Openers ("Would you like to talk about it?" or "You seem upset")
  
  2. Encourages ("I'd like to hear more about what you think" or "I'm here if you want to talk over your ideas")
  
  3. Open Questions ("What do you hope for in offering to serve on the Policy Council?" or "What are some of your ideas for our classroom?"
  
  4. Nodding, saying "yes" or "no" or "I hear you" or "uh-huh" or "tell me more"
  
  5. Facial and body expressions that show interest

• What should we avoid doing so that we don't block the progress of a conversation?
  
  1. Blaming ("We wouldn't be in this situation if you hadn't...")
  
  2. Saying "always" or "never" ("My son always loses the papers you send home")
  
  3. Name-calling or labeling ("You're such a workaholic")
  
  4. Giving advice or commentary ("If I were in your shoes I would...") or "Something just like that happened to my sister. She...")
  
  5. Lecturing or threatening (“Prompt medical attention is very important” or “This will be your child’s last week here unless you provide us with completed immunization forms”)
  
  6. Avoiding or belittling another’s concern (“It’s not really so bad”)
  
  7. Facial and body expressions that show lack of interest

• What cultural and personal factors do we need to take into account when we are having a conversation with someone?
  
  1. Each family may have its own ways of communicating. For example, in some families someone other than the parent (an elder, family member or community member) may be the key contact for family issues.
  
  2. Body language varies among cultures. For example, different cultures make different use of eye contact, physical distance between speakers, and unspoken gestures.
  
  3. Consider the physical arrangement between all of the people in your conversation so that everyone shares control. Be aware of how this factor can affect a conversation if, for example, one person is behind a desk, at the head of the table or standing above the other. Also be aware of the seating arrangements for group conversations. Are staff and parents seated separately or together? Would the parties to the conversation feel more comfortable sitting in a circle of chairs rather than in rows?
  
  4. Remember that people have different learning styles. For some people, being told information is not the best way for them to receive information. Hands-on demonstrations, handouts or visuals may work better for them.
  
  5. Everyone has a culture. Being aware of your own cultural lens through which you view the world is as important as trying to understand others.

Direct participants’ attention to page 3 of the handout, which presents a dialogue between a Head Start staff member and a parent. Ask for two volunteers to read the dialogue. Then ask participants how the staff member conveyed respect, used communications helpers, and took into account cultural and personal aspects of the parent. Also have them indicate the points in the dialogue where the staff member blocked the conversation. Have participants discuss whether either the parent or the staff member, or both, met their goals for the conversation.

Then divide the group into four teams. Direct each team to create a script between a Head Start staff person and a parent that includes some of the elements of successful communications (conveying respect, communication helpers, and being attentive to culture and person). Teams may also include communication blockers in their script. Give each team several sheets of lined paper and pens, and tell them they have 20 minutes to write their script.

Reconvene the large group. Have two volunteers from each team role-play their script. Then have participants identify the elements of successful communication in the conversation. Also have them identify any communication blockers. For each blocker, ask for suggestions on how it could be turned into a helper.

Debriefing

Ask these questions:

• Are these conversations like other conversations in your program? Why? Why not? Note that although the conversations may be different, the elements that help make them successful are similar.
  
  
• What kinds of actions or statements helped the conversations move forward or blocked progress? Note that while we learn from observing successful communication, we often learn just as much by reflecting on those communications that are not successful.

Communication Helpers Purpose: This activity focuses on identifying techniques that help keep a conversation open and productive.

Materials
Handout 4, Handout 3 (optional)

Process
Introduce the activity by saying that knowing how to respectfully open up communication is an important skill for everyone in the Head Start community. This skill also can help staff communicate well in their own families and in other personal relationships.

Distribute Handout 4, Communication Helpers and Blockers. Read through it with participants.

Then direct the participants to read the sample dialogue. Have them mark the communication helpers with an “H” and the blockers with a “B.”

After the communication helpers and blockers have been identified, ask the participants for suggestions on how they would rewrite the story to change the blockers to helpers.

For added practice if there is time, have participants repeat the exercise using the Staff-Parent Conversation that appears on page 3 of Handout 3.

Debriefing

Summarize the session by noting that successful communication is an art that one acquires through practice. The first step is to be familiar with the tools that can help keep a conversation open and productive, and to consciously apply them. Successful communicators also learn to recognize when their statements or behavior could be blocking a conversation, and to replace these negative elements with communication helpers.

In closing, ask the participants to each choose one communication helper that they will try to use as much as possible in the next week.

Listening Well Purpose: This activity introduces the importance of listening well in order to promote effective communication.

Materials
Handout 5, Handout 6

Process: Introduce the activity by telling participants that while they are, no doubt, good listeners, you’d like to share with them some techniques that will help them refine their listening abilities.

Recruit two volunteers for a role play. Give each the appropriate cue card from Handout 5, Listening Well Cue Cards. Have the two volunteers stand in front of the group and act out their parts.

Stop the role play after about three minutes and thank the volunteers. Lead a discussion using the following questions:

(To the speaker)

• Did you feel well listened to?
  
  
• What let you know that the other person was listening?
  
  
• What changed?
  
  
• How did that make you feel?

(To the rest of the group)

• What did you observe?
  
  
• What are some of the ways that people show interest in what you are saying?

Ask participants to each think about a time when they felt that someone really listened to them. Allow a few minutes of quiet for this reflection. Then ask several participants to share their stories and to explain what it was that made them feel like they were being heard.

Conclude the discussion by saying that there are three essential elements to good listening:

1. You must be open to the conversation - that is, you must be willing, and appear willing, to listen.
   
   
2. You must pay attention. Paying attention helps you focus on what is said, and it lets the other person know you are really listening.
   
   
3. You must offer feedback. By restating what you hear the other person say, you let the other person know that you are truly listening. Feedback also confirms to that person that you have properly understood. Finally, feedback allows the other person to reflect on what he or she has said.

Introduce the next segment of this activity by telling participants that they are going to have an opportunity to refine their communication skills by mastering three forms of feedback.

Note that many people in the group may be familiar with the basic format of feedback, which is to say something like, "What I hear you saying is..." or "Did I understand you correctly when you said..." Because they are so familiar, however, these lines can sometimes sound artificial and forced. In this activity, participants will be able to practice using feedback in a more tailored and personalized way.

Distribute Handout 6, Feedback. Review the descriptions of the three forms of feedback. Note that all three types of feedback may be used in a single conversation. However, they each have a distinct purpose:

• Factual feedback is best used when someone tells you something factual, without much emotion.
  
  
• Emotional feedback is best used when someone shows emotion as they tell you something.
  
  
• Solution-focused feedback is best used when someone is telling you about a problem and trying to find a solution. Note, however, that it is not your job to find solutions to other people’s problems, but rather, to reflect back the speaker’s own ideas. Also, solution-focused feedback only works after, or in combination with, plenty of factual and emotional feedback.

Tell participants that the group is going to practice these listening skills by doing some one-line role plays. Say that you will play the role of a parent and make a statement that requires feedback. Ask for a volunteer to join you at the front of the group. As you make each statement, the volunteer should respond using the appropriate form of feedback. Invite other members of the group to add their suggestions for appropriate feedback.

These role plays don’t have to go any further than your statement and participants’ suggested responses. However, if a conversation develops using effective feedback, keep the role play going.

Here are some possible conversation openers you could use:

(Statement needing factual feedback) My daughter is not acting like herself lately.
(Statement needing emotional feedback) She’s driving me crazy.
(Statements needing solution-focused feedback) Maybe she should go live with her grandmother for awhile.

(Statement needing factual feedback) I don’t think I passed my GED test.
(Statement needing emotional feedback) The thought of taking that test again makes me sick.
(Statements needing solution-focused feedback) I don’t know if I should keep trying or not.

(Statement needing factual feedback) My landlord told me he’s going to sell our house.
(Statement needing emotional feedback) I’m so tired of moving!
(Statements needing solution-focused feedback) I want to buy my own place.

Trainer Preparation Notes:

Before the workshop, prepare several sets of statements, tailored to your group, to use for this feedback practice session.

Tell participants that you would like them to use this opportunity to practice conversations from real-life situations. Have participants suggest a parent-staff situation, and ask for two volunteers to stand in front of the group to do the role play. Remind the group of the essential elements of listening: being open to a conversation, paying attention, and offering feedback.

After each role play, ask the group to comment on how each volunteer demonstrated listening skills. Ask for any suggestions on other ways the conversation could have been handled.

Debriefing

Ask for someone in the group to restate the essential elements of listening. Once someone has, ask for someone else to list the three forms of feedback. Thank them, and encourage participants to try out their newly refined listening skills at Head Start and at home.

Giving Feedback Purpose: Participants will learn how feedback techniques can be used to improve conversations with others.

Materials: Handout 6, Handout 7

Process
Tell the participants that in a conversation, it is not enough for each person to do some talking. Each person also has to do some listening. One way to show that you are listening is by offering feedback. By giving feedback, you confirm to the other person that he or she is being heard and understood. It provides a means for the other person to clarify statements if they are not understood correctly. It also enables the other person to reflect on what they have been saying, which can help them move forward in problem-solving.

Distribute and review Handout 6, Feedback. Have them practice one-line role plays using the three forms of feedback (you may use the suggested conversation openers from Activity 3).

Give out Handout 7, Giving Feedback. Tell participants that their assignment is to look for opportunities in the next week to apply feedback skills in a conversation. Discuss with them what some of those opportunities might be (for example, with their children, at a conference with parents, with a supervisor). After they have had a conversation in which they used feedback, they should use the handout to make notes on the techniques that worked.

Debriefing

Ask participants to describe the situation in which they practiced giving feedback and how the feedback affected the conversation. Address any issues they raise concerning the use of feedback.

If participants are willing, reenact their conversations to give them an opportunity to try other types of feedback or to refine the feedback strategies they employed.

Using “I” Messages Purpose: Participants will practice using “I” messages to help move a conversation in a positive and productive direction.

Materials: Handout 8

Process
Start out the activity by stating, “You really don’t like working with me, do you?” Wait for the participants’ response. Then ask them to describe how they felt when you said that. Explain that if they felt offended or put off, it is because you were using a kind of communication blocker called a “you” message. You were attributing a feeling to them rather than honestly stating your own feelings. “You” messages tend to turn people off because they feel they are being blamed, attacked or pigeonholed.

Next, explain that in contrast to "you" messages there is a kind of communication helper called "I" messages. With "I" messages, the speaker takes responsibility by attaching the expressed opinion to himself or herself. Demonstrate this by showing how you could rephrase your original statement as an "I" message, thus: "When I give you all these hard assignments, I worry that you won't like working with me." Ask participants for their reactions to the statement phrased in that form.

Give participants Handout 8, Using "I" Messages. Read through the examples, and have participants work singly or in pairs to convert the "you" messages on the worksheet to "I" messages.

Debriefing

Direct participants to pay attention in the conversations they have in the next week for times when they or others use "I" messages and "you" messages. Ask for them to pay attention to what happens when either kind of statement is used.

Next Steps: Ideas to Extend Practice

• Ask participants what communication skill they want to continue to work on. Have them write notes to themselves stating their own learning goals related to these skills. Provide the participants with stamped envelopes. Have them place their notes in the envelopes, address them to themselves, and give them to you. Mail the notes back to participants, unopened, one month later as a reminder of their own learning goals.
  
  
• Discuss with participants how they show respect, open themselves to the conversations, pay attention, and offer feedback in conversations that take place by telephone.
  
  
• Ask the participants to observe a television or video conversation within the next week, and to note it in their journal what opens up communication and what blocks it.
  
  
• Arrange for a speaker from a local college to address the group on communication skills.
  
  
• Create a work group to review the program's policies relating to communication with parents, and to make any recommendations they think appropriate to the policy council.
  
  
• Work with classroom teachers to create a lesson for the children, teaching the basics of "I Messages" in ways that three- and four-year-olds can understand.